If you're gonna be dumb....

I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. Some things I am completely ashamed of, some things I wish no one ever knew about, a lot of things I wish I had never done, and some things I wish I would've done differently. But, I have learned, at least a little, from all of them. I'm sure the same is true for most of us.

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, "If I'd done this differently.....," or "If I had it all to do over, I would......"?

A little over a month ago I passed a huge milestone in my life.....I turned thirty! So, I started reflecting on my life. Mid-life crisis? No.....simple reflection. But, if you look into a mirror, sometimes you don't always like the reflection. I noticed that half my life has been spent trying to FIX something I had done wrong. The other half was spent learning how to keep from messing up (an art I have not mastered). All the while I kept remembering something my step-father always says, "If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough." Well, life in general is hard - but it's a whole lot harder if you're stupid!

I've taken a lot of risks in life. Some risks have had amazing outcomes. Some have been drastic failures. But, I have never been a pine rider (baseball term). I have always been in the game. Does that mean I am right? No. It means I was willing to give it a shot. Sometimes my intentions were good. Sometimes my intentions were selfish and not good at all. But the willingness to take a risk shows some sort of faith, right? What is the source of that faith? Is it confidence in self? Is it blind hope that all is right with the world? Could it be an attempt to maintain some sort of self-worth or perhaps build self-esteem? I don't know. But, it only makes sense that we, as humans, are born with some sort of faith. That faith can eventually blossom into a stronger faith or it can die out to nothing - absolutely no faith in anything. I believe our faith is tested, tired, refined, and built stronger - if we pass the tests. Now, does that mean I'm going to jump off of a building with a sense that I can somehow miraculously flap my hairy arms and resist gravity? No. I can assure you I will indeed hit the earth with the full force of a two-hundred pound man with six-pack flabs. The point is that we have faith but need to keep our wits about us. Which is a perdicament I find myself in a lot lately. Do I walk in faith or do I walk with the sense God gave me? This is hard to discern.

On the one hand, I know that my faith will be tested. But, I also know God gave me a brain to reason and think about things. So, am I lacking faith by trying to be smart? I don't think so. I think it's like all the other times in life I've taken risks. It's just that.......a risk. If I am to fail - it obviously is not of God. If I succeed, it was meant to happen, regardless of my ability to reason. God is definitely above reason and understanding. So, I should be about His business, regardless of "smarts." I'd rather be seen as dumb and faithful, than smart and faithless. But, again, if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough. Be ready for the rough terrain.


Thoughts?

An answer follows...

I love my wife! I love her for a million-and-one reasons. But, one big reason is because she knows me. She knows everything about me. She knows my tendencies. She knows my heart. She recognizes when I need to be comforted, when I need to be heard, when I am asking a serious question that needs answering, or when I am asking a rhetorical question. She knows when I need a firm "talking-to" and she knows when I need to be left alone. She knows me! How well do I know myself? I've been trying to figure that out all day. I can't explain "me" - but, I'll bet my wife could. I could tell you my likes, dislikes, wants, needs, etc.....but how well could I explain the "essence of Stephen"? How well could you explain the essence of you? Try that out.....it's pretty stinkin' difficult.

Having said all that, I have no answers for some of my many questions. Like, I said, I think about some pretty stupid things. Some things simply have no answers. But, then comes along someone with a pretty good handle on things and offers a suggestion that might lend itself to conclusion (or at least feel my flow). For example: a couple of days ago I was pondering the reason why I seem to try so hard to accomplish a task that I may not be meant to complete. I struggle with the tendency to keep going - when I feel like God is asking me to stop for a bit. One of my favorite people in the world commented and I felt it needed to be shared. The response goes as follows:

Reading this post got me to thinking about something I had read in this book today, Detox Your Spiritual Life in 40 Days. It was talking about the story of Elijah and how the queen Jezebel was out to kill him. Now Elijah was known for his great courage right?! Well in this case God told Elijah to "Run for it!" .... So the book goes on to say "But there are occasions when it is fine for a Christian to admit defeat and make an exit--times when stress has reduced our capacity to be useful for God, or times when so much has been asked of us that it has taken a physical or emotional toll. God doesn't call us to be successful in everything we do; he calls us to be obedient in everything we do."

This may or may not be an "answer" to my questions but it helps me know that other people have thought the same thing at one time or another. I definitely agree with the last line of this quote and I definitely think there is a season for everything under the sun....the Bible tells us that. But there are also times when God needs for us to stop what we are doing and reconcile ourselves to Him, surrendering to His will. Which is what I think the author of this book may be saying. I find myself not liking the word "defeat," though. There are times I feel defeated, but as believers, we are victorious. I agree, wholeheartedly, with what this author is saying (and I have to understand that I am only seeing a sample of this man's book). But that word kind of bothers me.

Anyway, I think that if we can somehow maintain the philosophy of "I may lose a battle or two, but the war is already won," then we may be able to retaliate on those feelings of utter despair when it seems like we are losing. In my case, I know I could make a great teacher....if it's what God wants from me. I could be a great worship minister....if it's what God wants from me. I could be anything.....if God wants me to be. But, I need to understand that, regardless of my "hard-shelled plans," nothing will happen if it is not the will of the Father. I can do nothing without Him.

Big "thank you" to Cassie for her comment.

Any thoughts?

Something in a shade of green....

Why is the color associated with envy green? Does green signify something specific? What about money? I mean, the color of money is green. Does that associate green with greed - wanting everything or all of something and being envious of someone who has it? Or is it something I may not be thinking about? Why can't envy be associated with the color blue, black, yellow or orange (orange would be a good envy color)?

I associate the color green with being sick. The look of someone who is about to vomit. That's kind of an intersting contrast - could envy equal illness? I've heard the phrase "she's sick with envy." Does that give me reason to suspect envy could be a sickness? I'm envious of some things - people, tangible things that shouldn't really matter, careers, etc... Am I sick?

I think, in a lot of ways, that wanting something you don't have is alright. But being envious of someone who has what you want isn't exactly good. Does that make sense? The Bible clearly states that we should not covet. But, yet we all still do in some way, shape or form. When will we ever be content with what we have or who we are, what we do or where we live? Why do we continually try and "out-do" other people? Who are we trying to impress?

My goal in life is to be content with what God has blessed me with. I'm not rich, by any means, but our bills are paid. I don't drive the coolest vehicle, but my car is paid for. I don't live in the nicest home, but my wife and I are extremely pleased with it. I'm not a genius, but I'm not an idiot, either. I'm not the best husband or father in the world, but my family loves me. So, why am I green (sick) with envy when it comes to people who seem to have such an amazing relationship and walk with God? I want to know Him on a deeper level, where I, like David, can be considered a man after God's own heart! Is that type of envy a sickness? I don't think so. I think that is what God wants for us all. He wants for us to slip into something in a shade of green and approach Him with boldness. He wants us to want Him with such a passion that we are consumed with Him, His Word, His love, all facets of Him. We want to be the ones He dreams about - His perfect bride; a bride who knows His wishes so well that we don't need to ask what He wants us to do. Surely that type of envy can't be a bad thing, can it? Our God is a jealous God; can we be jealous for our God? I think so.

Your thoughts?

Hard-shelled plans....

So, if you've read any of my previous posts, you can deduce somewhat accurately that I think about stupid things constantly. I don't mean random things....I mean stupid things. For example, the other day I was watching a bird try to eat a hard-shelled bug (yes, I realize how pathetic that sounds). The bird was having a ridiculously hard time with this bug and the beetle kept flying out of the bird's mouth. I guess it was the wings of the bug that tickled the nose of the bird or something, but every time the beetle flapped its wings, the bird let go, only to pounce on the bug again and repeat the same thing over and over again.

Well, that got me thinking.......why does the bird keep trying to eat the bug? I mean, I'm sure there's a nice thick, fat, juicy, worm somwhere just waiting to be plucked from its home in the dirt. Why the bug? It's shell is hard, tough to chew, and probably tastes like pooh. Why keep trying? I mean, is it a sense of accomplishment for the bird? Is it to finish the task at hand - to conquer the wore out beetle? Is it to perhaps just finish lunch? What kept the bird so persistent on eating that particular bug? And, more than that, what kept the bug from flying away? If ever there was a time to give up on something, I would say that the fifteen minutes that the bird struggled to eat the bug was it. Had it been me, I probably would have said, "forget this junk - I'll have a nice worm or two." But, that didn't happen. The bird just simply would not give up.

You can learn a lot from a bird and a bug, as dumb as that sounds.

The old cliche, "don't ever give up" is a term I'm sure most of us have heard a lot. But, is there ever a time to pack it up and move on? Hey, I want to be a finisher probably more than the next guy. But, sometimes enough's enough, right? I don't know....see, I struggle in this area. Call it pride, call it ignorance, call it whatever you like....but, I like to finish things I've started. And more than that, I want to see the finished product of something I have started with my own two hands and worked so hard on. Needless to say, it's hard for me to give up on things once I've started them. But, sometimes in my spirit, I feel like I've placed all my hopes and dreams into something I've started maybe for my own selfish reasons.

Prime example: I have always considered myself to be a spontaneous kind of guy. But, when I plan on something, I want to see it through. That is why this particular situation was so difficult for me to deal with. I had planned to get a degree in secondary education and teach high school history. It's not that my dream was to teach (it was something I felt I would be good at and was very interested in). I got into teaching to have summers off so my wife and I could travel with our ministry team. The school schedule was the perfect schedule to accomodate what I felt God was calling us to do. Well, I took all the classes, had a great GPA, and did very, very well in all my practicum areas. When the very last thing I had to do was student-teach, I couldn't pass the subject content area of the Praxis II. I took the test five times because I just knew that this was what I was supposed to do. I had no reason for not passing. I knew the content! I know how to take standardized tests. I am a smart person. So, why can't I pass this stinkin' test? I was furious. I had started something - I had to finish it! Needless to say, I never passed that test. I had a very difficult time dealing with that. I felt dumb. I felt like I was letting my family down. I felt like I was letting God down, because I knew this was what God wanted me to do, right? What now? What am I supposed to do? God, I thought you and I were on the same page with this? I thought this was what we had planned for me to do. Maybe not.

I don't always understand why God has us start on a path He never intends for us to finish. Probably to see if we are faithful. But, I do know that His ways aren't always our ways; He really does know best! I think, in the end, each of us have our hard-shelled bugs we plan to eat - we will not be stopped, until we have to be stopped! It's easy to see, NOW, looking back on it that I am not meant to teach at this point in time of my life. Does that mean I will never teach? No! It just means not right now. God has something He needs for me to do somewhere else. I just have to be willing to step toward the path He lays out and continue to keep stepping until he directs me toward another path. I think it's really about diligence, remaining faithful in our continuing effort to do what we feel God is telling us to do. If it really is from God, it will prosper. If it is not of God, He will let us know!

-What are your thoughts?

A week to think.....

I had a professor in college that said, "There are three things in this world that everyone should do if they choose to leave a legacy: have a son to carry your name, plant a tree to help the earth, and write a book to leave the world a view of your thoughts." There's a lot of truth to that. Having said that, I have come to the conclusion that I, in no way, am a philosopher. I'm not a great thinker. I'm not a great writer. I have a son and I have planted a tree or two - but a book? You have to be able to think full thoughts, write cleverly, and be somewhat grammatically correct. I am not any of these. So, I started pondering "thoughts."

The great minds of the ancient world - Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, among many others - thought of such great and intriguing things that perpetuated life changes for the people of their day and generations after and still influence a lot of people today, especially political thought. But, how can a mind work that way unless taught how to pursue a thought? What directed their thought patterns?

I am a musician - a guitarist and songwriter. So, my "book" is a song. But, I've noticed that when prompted by my own clever riffs or awe-inspiring phrases, I can only go so far with them. It is very difficult for me to bring about a full story based on an intersting choice of words or innovative guitar riff. Why is that?

I think it has a lot to do with a previous post - direction. What is directing the song? Which way am I trying to make this thing go? Am I allowing myself too much control over the flow? The answer is simple when compared to a song given to someone by the Holy Spirit. If you compare a song written by my hands, my thought, my skills versus a song given to me by the Holy Spirit there is a significant difference. When I get too inloved in creating something I get in my mind's eye - I will spend forever trying to make it make sense or rhyme or something - because I am a perfectionist. When I am prompted by the Holy Spirit simply to start writing - I am not worried about rhyme or reason to the song. There's already a reason for the song - God wants it heard.

Cut to a finished product.

Comparing the two finished products you will see two different styles: 1). a song that, technically may be sound, it might have a catchy melody and some cleverly-written lyrics that might be heard by twenty or so people over the course of a lifetime; 2). and then a song that is the song of God's heart - meant for the world. Regardless of the melodious tune or rhyming pattern, this song is a song fashioned in the likeness of God's - a song of praise, or adoration, or salvation, or sanctification, or redemption, or whatever - but, always a song from God!

A day to think.....

Have you ever had a day where you did nothing but think? Today seemed like that day. Which isn't all bad. I found myself pondering the deepest of thoughts. Things that were so profound that now the world has new meaning. I thought of all sorts of things, like: "I wonder why my hair is receding," and "why don't squirrels have any sense of direction." - Deep, deep stuff, man! And then it hit me - I'm not asking the right questions. It really doesn't matter why my hair is racing down the back of my neck or that squirrels get hit by cars because they lack direction. Where's my direction? Now that's a good question! Let's expound, shall we?

What directs me? For as long as I can remember, I have been driven to pass this test or that test, to accomplish this task or that task - for what? To appease my own desire? To possibly bring myself into some higher order of class because I've attained a certificate with my name on it saying I have this degree or that degree? Whose goal is it if it's not mine?

If you are reading this and you do not know me, let me clarify some things. I am wholeheartedly, 110%, soul-ed out (yes, that's how I intended to spell it) to Jesus! Therefore, I had to ask myself: Am I directed by my own desires - even though they are good, Godly desires - or am I directed by an ultimate goal, which is also Godly?

There is a difference.

In my opinion, "Godly desires" are human aspirations to achieve success in and for the kingdom of God. In other words, a desire to do the right thing by both God's standards and by my own. Now, on the other hand, "Godly goals" are accomplishments already in place that I must learn how to achieve for His Kingdom. The difference is actually pretty simple, really. My desires are human. I want to do the right thing....but they are human, nonetheless. Therefore, they can falter and be destroyed. Godly Goals, on the other hand, will not falter and cannot, IF I choose to walk in that direction! Which, brings me back to "How am I being directed?"

More to come....


-Moadie!